....If guys had a period, they'd probably brag about the size of their tampons... "Yeah, my boyfriend and I just split up. I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole." What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion? Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes. The perfect t-shirt to get a man's attention: "Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!" Q: What are the 2 most important holes of a woman? A: Her nostrils, so that she can breathe while giving a blowjob. Q: Why are guys so good at video games? A: It's the eye-hand coordination developed after all those years of jerking off to Playboy centerfolds. Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? A: S&M&M. Q: What is every Amish woman's private fantasy? A: Two Mennonite! ..........(2 men a night) Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide her eggs??? A: She doesn't want anyone to know that she's fucking a chicken! Q: What's the difference between a penis and a prick? A: A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying..... A prick is the guy who owns it. Q: Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray? A: It's for Dickheads! Q: Why do men fall asleep immediately after sex? A: So women can finish the job off properly! Q: Why do men always pay more for car insurance? A: Women don't get blowjobs while they're driving. Q: Men are like bagpipes... A: You won't get anything unless you blow them first. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts? A: Cause their balls show. What do elephants and paint have in common? They both come in buckets. What's the definition of the ideal man? One with a twelve-inch tongue and a broom-handle through his ears. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? 1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants. 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content. 3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" 5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast. 6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here. 8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected. 12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 13. There are two sides to every divorce: ours and shithead's. 14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message! 15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley. 17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect. 18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately! 19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 20. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom? 21. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway? 22. Welcome to Shit Creek -- Sorry, We're Out of Paddles! 23. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 24. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 25. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 26. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 27. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"