One out of every three Americans is suffering from 
some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best 
friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.


Illiterate? Write today for free help. 


When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.


At a towing company: 
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." 

On a Pennsylvania plumbers truck: 
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." 

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout." 

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts." 

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"The doctor will be with you in a minute. Sit! Stay!" 


"Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're
two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash,
and another number."


Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she could love you.


I once read a book about anti-gravity.  I just couldn't put 
it down.


Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A. To find a tight seal.



A man will pay $2 for a $1 item, if he wants it. 
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale. 


A woman has the last word in any argument. 
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch about it.

Roses are awful
Violets are the pits
Lift up your shirt
And show me your tits


Roses are crap
Violets are shit
Sit on my face
And wiggle a bit


Roses make me laugh
Violets make me titter
You're a dirty bitch
And you love it up the shitter


Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over love
You're about to get fisted

Roses are groovy
Violets are funky
I'm thinking of you
And spanking my monkey


Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.

Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of 
marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no 
intention of driving.


Q: What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
A: The man.


I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you.
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment.
Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?


I used to be indecisive, But now I'm not so sure.