"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!" --Homer Simpson "These two guys are now trying to clone human genes into cows, so that you'd get cows that would give human milk. Or, maybe you'd get girls with four really big tits. I'm sure they think, either way, big improvement." ---Cathryn Michon "The difference between Genius and Stupidity is that Genius has its limits." -- Mark Twain You cannot teach a man anything, you can only help him to find it within himself. --Galileo The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." -Bill Watterson "I played with my grandfather a lot when I was a kid. He was dead, but my parents had him cremated and put his ashes in my Etch-a-Sketch." -Alan Hawey "Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life." ---Michael Sinz "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." -Steve Martin "I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. congress." --Ronald Reagan "Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it." --Mark Twain "There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure." --Ross MacDonald "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." - Matt Barry "For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3." --Alice Kahn Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. -Scott Adams "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." -Douglas Adams DONT Worry over,what other people are thinking about you. They are busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.-unknown "Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard." ---Johnny Carson "That's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude." --Alexander Haig "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." -Cher "My kid had sex with your honor student." -Bumper Sticker "Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit." -George Carlin "Honestly must be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy." -George Carlin "I wonder who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what on EARTH did he think he was doing?" ---Billy Connolly "Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." -Thomas A. Edison {1847-1931 American Inventor} "Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' " -Charlie Brown. "Do you know how the Amish hunt? They sneak up on a deer and build a barn around it." -Tim Bedore "Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity." -Anon. "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." -Albert Einstein "Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself." - Peter da Silva There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? - Dustin Hoffman You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need. "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." - Thomas Alva Edison Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it. -- Samuel L. Clemens All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher. - Ambrose Bierce "The true measure of intelligence is not knowing all the answers to any given problem, rather how to ask the right questions to find the answers you seek." -- Albert Einstein "He that blows the coals in quarrels that he has nothing to do with, has no right to complain if the sparks fly in his face." -- Benjamin Franklin The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier - Unknown "I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act; but I do believe in a fate that falls on them unless they act." -- G.K. Chesterson "My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself." Emo Philips "God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." - Voltaire "In the beginning there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it." Dave Thomas "If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?" Art Hoppe "I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy." Fred Allen "Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs." -Lily Tomlin "Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend." -Albert Camus "If an elderly but distinguished scientist says that something is possible, he is almost certainly right; but if he says that it is impossible, he is very probably wrong." -Arthur C. Clarke "It was when I found out I could make mistakes that I knew I was on to something." -Ornette Coleman "It is not enough to have a good mind; the main thing is to use it well." -Rene Descartes "It's kind of fun to do the impossible." -Walt Disney "Confidence is the hinge on the door to success." -Mary O'Hare Dumas "The problems that exist in the world today cannot be solved by the level of thinking that created them." -Albert Einstein "One's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions." -Oliver Wendell Holmes "A cynic is one who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing." - Oscar Wilde "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed individuals can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." - Margaret Mead "The trouble in America is not that we are making too many mistakes. It's that we are electing them." - Henry James