"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm." - Sir Winston Spencer Churchill "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." - Buddha "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying." -- Woody Allen "Gross ignorance is 144 times worse than ordinary ignorance" -- John S.Crosbie "Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles." - Roseanne "Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence." - Aristotle "Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." - Victor Borge "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." - Mark Twain "It is not true that nice guys finish last. Nice guys are winners before the game ever starts." - Addison Walker "It is easier to do a job right than to explain why you didn't." -- Martin Van Buren "Goats don't talk." -- Yassar Arafat's advice to President Clinton "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." - Winston Churchill "A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." - Mitch Ratliffe "It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?" - Ronald Reagan "I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs but how high he bounces when he hits bottom." - General George S. Patton "Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go." - William Feather "To avoid being accused of sexual harassment, never end a sentence with a proposition." -Roland Graves "If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts." -Albert Einstein "Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first." -Ronald Reagan "I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world." -Albert Einstein "True friendship multiplies the good in life and divides its evils. Strive to have friends, for life without friends is like life on a desert island ... to find one real friend in a lifetime is good fortune; to keep him is a blessing." - Baltasar Gracian "How I wish that somewhere there existed an island for those who are wise and of goodwill! In such a place even I would be an ardent patriot." - Albert Einstein "There is only one quality worse than hardness of heart and that is softness of head." - Teddy Roosevelt "Chivalry is only reasonably dead." - George Bush, offering a chair to a woman "It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job." - Erma Louise Bombeck "When you reach for the stars you may not quite get one, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either." - Leo Burnett "Sure the pen is mightier than the sword, but only because you can get it through metal detectors." - Mike Hayward "If we open a quarrel between the past and the present, we shall find that we have lost the future." - Winston Churchill "The best way to predict the future is to invent it." - Alan Kay "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." - Douglas Adams "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." - Dan Quayle "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - Dan Quayle "I voted Republican this year. The Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth." - Monica Lewinsky "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain "All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work." - Steve Martin in Sgt. Bilko "Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal." - Martin Luther King, Jr. "Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip a man's wallet out through his genitals." - Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." - Roseanne "Whatever you are, be a good one." - Abraham Lincoln "I am a deeply superficial person." - Andy Warhol "When fish jump in the air, do they take a deep breath and close their eyes?" - Lawrence Brotherton "Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive." - George Carlin "I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'" - Dave Barry "My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head...I hope it's not hereditary." - Steven Wright "In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun. It's nice to know the government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems." - Matt Sullivan "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Bill Crystal "Whoever said, 'No man is an island,' has obviously never seen my stomach in the bath tub." - Bruce Streibel "The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be." - Socrates "A mediocre idea that generates enthusiasm will go further than a great idea that inspires no one." - Mary Kay Ash "The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." - Robert Frost "Failure is just another way to learn how to do something right." - Marian Wright Edelman "Power can be seen as power with rather than power over, and it can be used for competence and cooperation, rather than dominance and control." - Anne L. Barstow "The remarkable thing about the human mind is its range of limitations." - Celia Green "He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife." - Douglas Adams "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Woody Allen "According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men are: they're a bunch of liars." - Jay Leno "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." - Albert Einstein "If you've enjoyed watching this program just half as much as we've enjoyed doing it, then we've enjoyed it twice as much as you." - Michael Palin, Monty Python's Flying Circus "[The Internet] ... is an amazing communications tool that's bringing the whole world together. I mean, you sit down to sign on to America Online in your hometown, and it's just staggering to think that at the same moment, halfway around the world, in China, someone you've never met is sitting at their computer, hearing the exact same busy signal that you're hearing." - Dennis Miller "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." - Albert Einstein "It's taken me all my life to understand that it is not necessary to understand everything." - Rene Coty "I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be." - Arj Barker "Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much." - Oscar Wilde "A teacher affects eternity; no one can tell where his influence stops." - Henry Adams "Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do." - Zsa Zsa Gabor "Sure, the lion is king of the jungle - but airdrop him into Antarctica, and he's just a penguin's bitch." - Dennis Miller "It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics." - Fletcher Knebel "Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy." - Jenna Staten "I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson." - Emo Philips "Comedy is the ability to make people laugh without making them puke." - Steve Martin "Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils: people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing." - Tom Dreesen "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get..." - Homer Simpson "I was on a job interview, and was asked what my dream job would be. I said, 'The words dream and job don't really go together for me. How about "dream, no job." Do you have that?'" - Chris Mancini "The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said." - Peter F. Drucker "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." - Isaac Asimov "Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens." - Jimi Hendrix "If I can see far, it is because I stand on the shoulders of giants." - Sir Isaac Newton "Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. " - Mark Twain "Don't be humble. You're not that great." - Golda Meier "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. - Ralph Waldo Emerson "I'd rather be a Could-Be if I cannot be an Are; because a Could-Be is a May-Be who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a Has-Been than a Might-Have-Been by far, for a Might-Have Been has never been, but a Has was once an Are." - Milton Berle "Remember if people talk behind your back, it only means you are two steps ahead." - Fannie Flagg "The essence of marketing is about a blow job. Promise a guy a blow job and you can sell him anything." - Frank Zappa "The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Wright "You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." - Drew Carey "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a sup- port group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey "The Vulcan Neck Pinch is not half as powerful as the Vulcan Groin Kick, but it's more politically correct." - William White "Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein "This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness." - The Dalai Lama "I once made love to a female clown. It was weird because she twisted my penis into a poodle." ---Dan Whitney